Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
