My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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