i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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