we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
