Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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