Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I would ride that face into the sunset
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
