Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
