YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
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This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
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he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I need to calm my uterus...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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