Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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