Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize