I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
