I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
