eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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