made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
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Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
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We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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