birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
