the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
