I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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