I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
