if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
