I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I know her cup size but not her name....
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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