Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
