It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize