Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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