she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
