I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
