She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
