i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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