obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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