We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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