I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
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so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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