literally had 100 drinks last night.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I will pee on everything he values.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
