You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
