I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
