Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
