I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
