i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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