Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
