Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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