Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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