my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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