My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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