I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
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I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
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He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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