Your mouth is God's brothel.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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