Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
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I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
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I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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