Already got asked if we're dating
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
