If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
