Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
