Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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