to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
