Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
