Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
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In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
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I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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