I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
