Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
